I'm feeling a little nostalgic while writing this letter to you, my newest child, after having written nearly two years worth to your older sister. But enough about her, let's talk about you.
You are an individual. You, most definitely, are not Freya, and not anyone else for that matter. I was so sure that as soon as you arrived, I would fall right into that weird panicky state that I existed in for the first few weeks of Freya's life, that I didn't even stop to think that you could be your own little person and not a doppleganger of your big sister at the same age.
So many things were different about my pregnancy with you - a few too many for me to write about without this becoming a novel longer than War and Peace - but I'll touch on the important ones quickly. First, you were a planned baby even though your existence happened a wee bit quicker than we expected. Second, I followed the same medication cocktail that I was on with Freya, but discontinued one of the two meds pretty early without any negative ramifications to either you or me. Third, you were a big girl from early on and garnered me a fantastic array of stretch marks because of your size. And last, we had an actual planned birth date for you that you happily stuck to.
Going into the hospital for surgery this time around was simple and uncomplicated. The paper work was done a few days before, we knew what to expect, and no part of the day became an emergency in any way. In fact, the only weird thing that occurred was my nausea when laying down after drinking the anti-nausea medication and getting the spinal block. Thankfully, there was no throwing up because that isn't a fun fact to add to a birth story and even more so not a fun thing to have to endure.
What's amazing is that we checked into the hospital at 8:00 am and you were born at 9:19 am. I think that is a testament to how well-oiled the Labor and Delivery unit is at CWH - that and Dr. Utley has been delivering babies since before I was born!
It was so lovely this time around to be calm, composed, and mentally present for your birth. Things were so chaotic and I was so over tired when Freya was born that I can't easily recall a lot of the details of that day. But for your birthday, I was completely there in mind and body (except from mid-chest down which was pretty much useless).
Again, Dr. Utley let us know it was taking a bit longer to get down to where you were because of my fabulous ability to scar from my previous c-section which slowed down his progress. Then when he pulled you out, you, like Freya, had your cord wrapped around your neck. The only difference was that yours was wrapped twice and very tightly, whereas hers was wrapped three times and somewhat loosely. Already you were trying to be like your big sister!
Then when the nurses carried you to the warming table to clean you off and we finally got a look at you, both Daddy and I exclaimed that you had so much hair! Your squishy little face looked like one I had only met 20 months before, but with this full head of hair on top and lovely little baby rolls on your arms and legs. I knew, before you arrived, that you were a solid little thing, but had no idea you'd be almost a pound and a half bigger than your sister was at birth. It was so hard not to compare you to her - to be so surprised at each similarity and difference in two children from the same gene pool. What I couldn't help but say, almost as a reflex, was how pretty you were and to wonder how your father and I are so lucky to have such pretty babies. You won't find this out until you are much older and aware of 'looks', but not all babies are pretty when they are first born!
Although I wasn't too keen on the visiting restrictions at the hospital because they took me away from your sister for almost three days and I could write a 1,000 word post on all of the crying I did because of it, that did give us (you and me) a chance to learn about each other without many distractions. I'm thankful now for those few days of bonding time because it got me to the point where I felt like I'd known you forever and couldn't remember not having that sweet little face to gaze upon.Now that you are home with us, you have settled nicely into your own routine, regardless of what anyone else is doing. You have very few needs and very few complaints thus far, so something must be clicking here. Of all of the things you do during the day, sleep is by far your favorite. I have to wake you up quite often to feed you, otherwise you will sleep happily for 5+ hours and then wake up screaming from the hunger. When those instances occur, you will gorge yourself to the point where you can't burp and then you promptly throw up all over everything and are hungry again. We now stick to the 'every three to four hour' schedule to cut down on laundry loads and high-pitched screaming and it's working quite well, knock on wood.
When you are asleep, you make the most interesting noises. Sometimes you bleat like a baby goat, sometimes you sound like you're laughing, but most of the time you pass gas really loudly. These aren't the kind of cute little baby farts one would assume to be coming out of such a tiny body - these are 350 pound sumo wrestler farts and you even grunt like a full-grown man while doing so. I've switched up my diet enough times to know that most likely it is just your delicate system getting used to swallowing more than amniotic fluid as a meal, but good LORD girl, how long does it take to regulate? Do they make beano for babies? Well, someone should look into it.
The one person who thinks that every little thing you do is wonderful and amazing is your sister. She loves you. Looooooves you. You are the bees knees and the best thing since sliced bread in her world. She wants to kiss you 20 times a day, and usually succeeds in doing so, but not without a head butt at your expense. She is very aware of all things that are yours - and more importantly hers - that you shouldn't be touching. I made the mistake of using one of her blankies to put under you for a quick diaper change one day, thinking she wouldn't care since it was not really one she used often, but as soon as she realized that your 'diaper pad' was in fact her blanket, she grabbed the edge of the blanket and attempted to yank it out from under you while yelling, "NO BABY MY BLANKIE!!" at the top of her lungs. If it had been a tablecloth, and you had been a vase of flowers, the flowers would still have been standing after she was finished. Since that little blow up, we've been careful not to use anything she might recognize as hers when dealing with you, and because of this the house has been much more peaceful. Daddy even went out and bought you your own special blankie that has a cute little monkey face on it so it won't get confused with anyone else's special blankies.
Aside from having two children in diapers at the same time, there isn't a whole lot about the two of you that is that similar. There are times when your face has a look that hers did around the same age, but those moments are so fleeting that I feel like I'm the only one who sees them. What is the most fun, every day, is seeing what new things you will do and what little parts of your personality will come out. I'm so glad that I'm able to be home with you to see all of these developments - when you do decide to be awake, that is. Having you on such a regimented schedule has allowed me to do quite a bit of work from home, clean, and cook, and then have the free time to feed you and cuddle and not feel rushed to get to anything else. We are also very lucky to have family and friends that have pitched in once again so that there is far less stress in our every day lives and Daddy has a peaceful household to come home to each evening after work.
Each day that passes without a major incident is another day that I feel capable as a mother to two children. Already, within your first month, I've taken you out of the house for several hours to grocery shop and even sit down to lunch with your Aunt Bethy. The success of this is mostly due to your amazing power to nod off for several hours at a time, but also to me having the belief that I can actually do it all by myself. Just the other day, Daddy proclaimed that we were 'getting out of the house' and so the four of us took off into town to have lunch together. Sadly, it was a little cramped in my car with Daddy trying to drive while your car seat was shoving his long legs into the steering column and your sister was kicking the back of my seat, but we did it and we all survived. I couldn't help say to Daddy (again, for the umpteenth time) that I couldn't believe that we had two children. TWO WHOLE CHILDREN. AT THE SAME TIME. Will wonders never cease? It's not that I ever imagined that we couldn't do it, but I think I had been at a point, not too long ago, where I thought that this might not be a reality in my life.
Near the end of my pregnancy with you, I became anxious and fearful of something happening to you before we reached the day you were to be born. This is a feeling I know well, and a feeling I'll probably never be without while pregnant, but it was compounded by the fear that I didn't have it in me to love you in the same capacity as I love Freya. My heart was so full of my love for her that it seemed like there wouldn't be any room for any other children. The logical me told myself that this was silly, but the emotional me couldn't imagine having the ability to love two children. But seeing your face, those deep blue eyes and soft cheeks made my heart grow twice as big and suddenly I knew what so many people had been telling me to be true - you find a way to love all of your children, maybe not in the same way as each other, but definitely as much.
A mother's love knows no bounds. Truer words were never spoken.
Welcome to our family, little monkey.
Love,
Your Mama
